in 1960, the average american male weighed 160 pounds. as of lunch today, this has swollen to 240 pounds and a side of bacon. for the past decade, experts have puzzled over what caused this sudden, rampant porkage (other than 70 years of food additives, western affluence, supersizing, and ads promoting frosted flakes as an afternoon snack). now, in an exclusive elsewhen report, the real reason is finally revealed:hungry space aliens.
'yeah, we planned the whole thing,' admitted lactos, the high overlord of meat planet earth. 'see, earth is right off the hyperspace bypass between rigel & vermillion. it made perfect sense to turn it into a feeder farm for extraterrestrial travelers on the go. you'll be eating each other in another 30 years or so, anyway. we just beat you to the punch.'when asked why our alien masters failed to prevent this story from breaking, lactos shrugged. 'no one will believe it. no one cares. as long as we fund the neocons and pipe in american idol & nascar, you monkeys'll eat anything that fits into a deep fryer.'
in more positive news, sales of to serve man: a cookbook are expected to skyrocket.