barack the magic negro

if we ever needed proof that the republican party still mollycoddles outright racists, chip saltsman has provided it (in spades, if you'll pardon the terribly inappropriate pun).

the funniest and saddest thing: he still doesn't think he did anything wrong.

mines = poisoned water

and - just weeks after dubya pushed through an exemption for mines that allows them to dump waste into rivers and streams, the water supply of a town in tn is found to be full of arsenic - a common component of mine runoff.

doh!

not a creature was stirring...

...not even a... oh! hmmmm....

bugger it! never mind.

the c list

as part of our continuing holiday flesh-fest, we bring you the ladies whose first or last names begin with the letter 'c'.

	a lot of people don't realize that cameron diaz isn't a natural blonde, despite the ethnic name and wide cheekbones. do you think her baby blues are real?
	contrary to the cali chic notion of wearing see-through tops, claire danes seems to have a thing for wearing tops with wide, open collars & bending over at the drop of a hat - perhaps to prove that she does, indeed, have breasts.
	christina ricci's breasts. we have no idea what the bird's about. is it the blue bird of happiness? 'cause seein' these sure makes us happy.
	charlotte church isn't quite our speed, but we've heard that she's popular amongst the diva fanset, and where there are diva festishists there are those that we hope will gladly purchase some fine else-wear in exchange for a topless image of her. do it. do it now.
	chloe sevigny is the complete package: a consummate actress, and beautiful in an intriguing, plain jane way. unfortunately, even all this time later, we can't get over the fact that she blew vincent gallo (on screen, no less).

factory farms get to pollute, period

you've got to wonder how much the corporations behind our factory farms paid for this particular pair of get-out-of-jail free cards: first, they're now allowed to dump their waste into waterways without restriction, and second, they no longer have to report release of hazardous emissions into the air.

factory farms account for slightly more than 6% of current u.s. greenhouse gases, which may be a big part of why the white house fought so long and hard to deny the facts regarding greenhouse gas emissions and global climate change.

kinda makes you wonder why we even have an epa, doesn't it? ah well - maybe the next talking head in the white house will do better for us. he could hardly do worse. in the meantime, here's a citizen's guide to confronting factory farms. (merry christmas.)

banks to bailout questions: bugger off!

so - as we predicted - not only did the fed and congress completely fail to provide adequate oversight of the banks that dipped their beaks in our us$700 billion in bailout funds but - when asked what they did with our money - not one bank out of the 21 polled deigned to answer.

it's good to be the king.

fcc fire sale continues

as the administration's fire sale on everything of value continues, fcc chairman kevin martin tries one more time to rig the auction of wireless spectrum to vc john doerr, cheating the treasury out of billions at a time when the old dear desperately needs the cash.

remind us: what do we do with horse thieves again?

last-minute christmas gift ideas

if you believe the trades, many of you haven't done your part to boost the economy this christmas season. needless to say, we are very disappointed in you. very disappointed. but perhaps you just haven't seen the perfect gift yet for the folks on your list. you know - the gift that your mom, uncle, grandson, or teacher will be talking about for years to come. never fear: your pals at elsewhen returns have got you covered.

won't this look great on your mom's sideboard? and it just might give dad a clue about what's going to happen the next time he leaves his jockeys on the bedroom floor or stray pubes on the bathroom floor.
hah! as if negotiable virtue has anything to do with looks. still, probably not too stoopid to vacuum your living room, eh? one of the best things about the 'new economy' (or the lack thereof) is how the lack of gainful employment leads to advances in the long-neglected field of slavery.

can you see your dad in this baby, running down the paper boy? and with the included kaiser blade, he can cut the grass at the same time.
your babysitter's been good this year, hasn't she? and cheerleading makes for sore muscles, even when you're 17. why not give her a treat to loosen her up? just picture the delighted smile on her face when she unwraps this baby!

(if you're thinking about getting a little something for your pals at elsewhen this yuletide, we can always use bail money.)

merry christmas

7 out of 10 americans ok with torture

in a recent study, it was once again confirmed that 70% of us will torture another person if told to do so by an authority figure.

think about that one for awhile, fellow monkey minders, and what it means for our survival chances as a species and our future.

take as much time as you like.

killer whales starving

puget sound, with its chinook salmon supply, used to boast a large, stable population of orcas. then the bush administration's concerted efforts to kill the chinook fishery (to support salmon farms, power plants, and rerouting of vital salmon spawning areas for water use and game fishing) paid off in an unexpected and highly noticeable way:

the puget sound orcas are starving to death.

time for the b skins

continuing our holiday celeb-fest: bijou (what the hell kind of a name is that?) phillips...

billie (doctor who) piper...

bridget fonda...


and britney (ain't water in that cup) spears...

turd blossom speaks

dubya may be trotting into the sunset under a rain of footwear, but other dangerous neocon loonies continue to spew poison into the heart of america. chief toad: karl rove.

hear him explain why we shouldn't know what kinds of torture we're committing on illegal prisoners of war (oops - we mean 'enemy combatants')! see him show us how obama only won the election because he had more money (now there's a spectacular case of denial, likely the same one that enables turd blossom* to look himself in the mirror each morning)! thrill to his prediction that our new president won't do much differently in iraq!

(heck, if we give him enough money and sacrificed a cheerleader every now and again, we could probably get him to bite the heads off chickens, too.)

* we didn't make this one up - this is actually dubya's pet name for rove.

and a psa in a pear tree...

are you, like us, a public service announcement (psa) junkie? long before our foray into the wacky world of pr, these bits of pithy, late-night perfection stuck in our gums like gooey social policy goodness. after the jump, enjoy the best of the best.

is it just us?

is it just us, or is mel gibson looking more and more like cardinal richelieu?

(and what's with the vitalis hair?)

what tom cruise's house looks like

here's one of them, worth something over $us30 million (from the air it's not worth a penny more than us$22 million).

the big c

in yet another bit of holiday cheer, the international agency for research on cancer predicts that the incidence of the big c will double by 2030 - less than 12 years away.

(and - like all such pronouncements - we recommend taking their pitch with a full shaker of salt.)

tilapia tickling

have you noticed that, almost overnight, almost every restaurant that you go to has tilapia on the menu? 8 years or so ago, no one outside of africa (tilapia's country of origin) had ever heard of it and - hey presto! - suddenly it's the 3rd most consumed food fish after salmon and carp derivatives.

a freshwater fish, tilapia is actually a common name given to more than a hundred different species of fish (kinda like 'chilean sea bass'). because they tolerate high concentrations well and eat inexpensive cereal (unlike salmon), they have become extremely popular at fish farms, particularly in taiwan, thailand, indonesia, and the philipines.

(we'll let you decide for yourself whether or not to eat it.)

a spoonful of sugar

here at elsewhen, we pride ourselves on showing you things you didn't even know you wanted to see.

for example: mary poppins' ta-ta's.

(yeah, they're underwired and not that interesting. so what? the fact that they exist at all is proof that not even disney can keep a good rack down.)

meet blinky

this here's blinky, the official elsewhen elf. word is, blinky had a job making sure all the barbie dolls are anatomically incorrect, but lost it by dipping his swizzle stick in sc's egg nog. having no other prospects, he decided to throw his hat into the lucrative world of social media. or possibly dda won him in a craps game. either way, we advise against turning your back on the little perv. especially if he offers to show you his candy cane.

too little vitamin d = heart trouble

in our ongoing battle to keep you alive just long enough to purchase fabulous else-wear, we bring you the news that not getting enough vitamin d (whether through milk, supplement, or sunshine) can have an adverse effect on your ticker.

now go buy some t-shirts or something, already. you know - ho, ho, go.

pink

whether you like her music or not, pink talks the talk and walks the walk, as demonstrated by the fresh nipple piercing.

not exactly senator's wife material, but the kind of girl kissinger would've liked, back in his prime.

quit yer bitchin' #28

kinda like pr/traditional media and the happening-as-we-speak paradigm shift in human communication.

(there, we said it. but we were all thinking it.)

speaking of filling stockings...

bowing to our traditional holiday tradition of slipping you some celebrity skin, we humbly present the finer sides of amy smart...
...anne hathaway...
...ashley tisdale...
...and avril lavigne.