fabulous, ill-fated firefly

we're not saying joss whedon is a genius. buffy - except for the funny bits - struck us as melodramatic more often than not, and angel always seemed overly contrived. but perhaps they were just teething rings. because firefly is the real deal.

terrific cast, great (and deep) backstories, believable world, engaging characters and top-notch scripts (thanks in part to the sublime ben edlund, creator of the tick). if you search in vain for quality tv, the crew of serenity waits to provide it.

only one problem: like hbo's carnivale, it was canceled before its time. whedon managed to pull a good feature film out of the wreckage, but it's hard to knock tv execs for canceling terrific shows like this that draw small, fanatical audiences while crap like american idol draws millions of pairs of eyes and, subsequently, advertising dollars. that's what tv is all about.

but we don't have to like it.

(it might have been the name. we mean, come on, joss - we'll buy the wild west culture, the bits of multi-language slang, the c.h.u.d. reavers - but firefly? what were you thinking?)

climate change: the national security issue

we wondered how much longer it would take the government - or the mainstream media - to bring up the obvious fact that global warming is going to mean more and nastier wars in our future (and our children's). people tend to get a bit testy when they have no food or water, malaria is rampant, and the weather swings between hurricanes, tornadoes, drought, can't-afford-air-conditioning heat waves and can't-afford-the-heating-bill winters.

the new national intelligence assessment - the only public look we'll likely get at what the government really thinks - follows after the jump.

(we're still convinced that there's a think tank or other government-sponsored group looking at the ramifications of drastically cutting back the world's population so that we can seize the bulk of the world's resources and not have to cut down on our consumption. we have absolutely no indication of this but - given what we've done over the past 40 years or so along these lines - doesn't that just sound like something we'd be working on?)

god, we miss hunter thompson.

is google news the devil?

certainly not to us, but some news outlets - particularly in europe, apparently - seem to feel that way.

the real issue, of course, is that google wants to take us right to the information that we're looking for - in the case of google news, a single article, and then possibly to another source for their take on the same story - while mainstream media is still hung up on the idea of capturing & keeping visitors on their sites. in fact, we suspect that - in their heart of hearts - most mainstream media outlets would imprison visitors by force, if they could, to shore up their crashing ad rates.

google is obviously not going to go away, nor is its model, but the old media model obviously is. so what will replace it?

at first, it looked like everyone would go the subscription route, where visitors had to pay to access content. the problem with that was, you were paying for all of the content - not just the content that you used - and the cost was equivalent to the cut-down-trees-and-put-ink-on-them print publications - and if even one other source didn't charge for their content, visitors went there instead.

if we really want a workable model, how about this: make the cost to access the content equivalent to the volume of content that you actually access (that is, pennies or less per clip), make the transaction happen automatically in the background, a la mobile phone micropayments, and make sure that your content is original and interactive (ie, bloggish) enough to draw a large share of visitors. shore that up with ads, and give your ad purchasers the skinny on the traffic that the ad generates, including demographics.

then thank google news for all of the traffic that they send your way.

ny times finally catches up with elsewhen

back when the afghan war was just getting into full swing and iraq was on the horizon, elsewhen (then hosted by manila) brought up some interesting information about oil pipelines, oil companies, money, bushies, and how all those things fit together. now - several years later - the ny tmes mentions that the 4 oil giants kicked out in '91 are again back in iraq & set to reap a fortune.

so we were right? it really was (and is and will be) about oil?

(does this mean that dennis miller has to wash his mouth out with soap? and will the mainstream media be 5 years behind us when we start to report on the upcoming water wars?)

big tobacco uses bushies to imprison dems

so suppose that you're one of the tobacco companies that got owned in the 1998 tobacco settlement, and you're more than a little angry at the folks that took such a big bite out of your bottom line. the same folks that are against tort reform, and who contribute millions of dollars to democratic candidates. what do you do to make yourself feel better, and to prevent lawsuits and payouts of this kind from ever happening again?

you team up with bush-appointed prosecutors and accuse them of bribery. and if they win the case, you do it again and again until you get them sent to prison. obviously.

(image courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net)

does a drug company own your doctor?

64% of us want to know if our doctors are being paid to push pills by big pharma, according to a new survey by the prescription project. 68% of us support legislation that would require big pharma to disclose payments & perks to doctors.

we've got a better (for us) idea: why not just ban the payments & perks altogether? then doctors would have to choose medications and treatments based entirely on their relative merits for the patient.

(we realize that presenting patient treatment as the main goal of a medical practice - as opposed to generating revenue - is heresy in some parts, but what do you think?)

corvettes for congress

if you are one of the 2 people that still think that congress has any connection to reality, or at least to those of us who actually work for a living, we present the following piece of legislation, introduced by republican senator john shimkus of il:

"H. Res. 970 - In the House of Representatives, U. S., June 26, 2008. Whereas the Chevrolet Corvette is America’s first sports car; Whereas the first production Corvette rolled off a Flint, Michigan, assembly line on June 30, 1953; Whereas the Corvette is now manufactured in Bowling Green, Kentucky; Whereas the Corvette is the most widely respected production sports car in United States history; Whereas the Corvette is truly a symbol of American pride; Whereas General Motors is celebrating its 100th anniversary in 2008; and Whereas the 30th of June would be an appropriate day to designate as `National Corvette Day’: Now, therefore, be it Resolved, That the United States House of Representatives supports the designation of a `National Corvette Day’ to honor the Chevrolet Corvette."

why pixar should be proud

aside from helping to drive mike eisner out of disney for refusing to play ball with steve jobs, pixar has the best record of any studio: every movie they've done has been a hit. wall-e is no exception to that rule, but it's an exception to nearly every other feature that pixar has done.

here's why: no dialog for the first chunk. instead, we get both a dark, timely message and an introduction to one of the simplest, most engaging characters ever to grace the screen. (and no, we're not talking about the cockroach.) wall-e is innocent, hard-working, and lonely. his vocabulary is minimal, and has no need to be anything else. the love story with more-advanced, work-obsessed she-bot eve is developed slowly and naturally. the animation is lovely, and the slapstick conducted with relish and perfect timing.

in fact, the one thing that we've seen other critics being iffy about - the dark message about our future, when we've evolved (if that's the word) into consumption-obsessed, boneless fat-bags that left earth a nearly lifeless garbage dump - is the point on which the film's depth turns, and without which it would be as vapid as the mouse's tv lineup. this is by far the most 'adult' story that pixar has ever told - and the best.

in a way, wall-e reminds us in a good way of pixar's shorts, which are treasures in themselves (and also tend to have deep emotional content and minimal dialogue). this was a very brave film for director andrew stanton - who also wrote it - to make. in this era of g-rated famine, he could easily have taken the easy road and made a bit of fluff. many others before him have. it would likely have been a hit, too. we're glad he didn't.

even if you're not into animation, or disney, or pixar, we recommend that you see this, and on the big screen, where it can be done some justice. you'll thank us later.

supreme court learning to dance

despite a divisive session last year, this year's session seems to indicate that the justices are learning to dance together. you'll find a list of their decisions after the jump.

do we agree with all of those decisions? hell no - we would like to have seen them rule in favor of capital punishment for child rape (by either skinning alive or burning, for preference), and letting bankers and lawyers off the hook from being legally responsible for defrauding their clients is unconscionable. but there have been an almostequal number of decisions we wholeheartedly agree with, including allowing guantanamo prisoners to legally challenge their confinement.

white house to congress: go take a flying leap

in another demonstration of the bush administration's monarchy approach to government, its 2 key reps on torture refused to answer any questions from congress.

we have a suggestion for congress: perhaps mssrs. addington and yoo will be more forthcoming about what they consider illegal torture if we use the same techniques that they advocated - on them.

we think this sounds perfectly fair - don't you? and certainly more entertaining than this 'i don't recall' nonsense. in fact, using 'aggressive interrogation' techniques on bush administration officials in order to get some honest answers would make a terrific reality show. and we have more than enough contestants to keep the show on the air for years to come.

you listening, fox network?

mugabe wins election that hasn't been held yet

come on - would it honestly surprise you? frankly, we're kinda surprised someone in the state department hasn't taken him out just to stop the questions about what we're going to do about him.

in case you're tuning in late, mugabe decided that an election that he lost didn't count, and ordered the killing of folks that voted for or supported the opposing candidate.

the reason people didn't vote for him the first time: he took a country that had thriving agriculture, seized all of the farms, gave them to his friends and family (who subsequently squandered most of them), and produced a starving population in record time. now, he refuses to acknowledge any election that doesn't declare him a winner.

sounds a bit like another african despot we loved to hate: idi amin. whatever happened to him? can we arrange the same for mugabe, please?

u.s. schools suck

at least, that appears to how parents feel, according to a recent poll. their suggestion: more math. they also had mixed feelings about standardized tests.

having worked for a company that published test prep software for several states, not only do we believe that standardized tests are the best way to gauge teacher effectiveness, but we'd also like to see them standardized on a national basis. (because some states' 12th grade questions were 7th grade questions on other states' tests. but hey - maybe your state really needs more gas station attendants.)

if educators in your state start talking about how your curriculum has to be different because of this, that, or the other thing, take it from us: they're blowing smoke up your backside in the mistaken impression that you're a beehive.

boating at the north pole

there's no such thing as global warming, of course: dubya proved it beyond a doubt by simply refusing to believe in it, and what's good enough for dubya is good enough for us.

in completely unrelated news, the north pole may be completely free of ice this summer, and surrounding countries are already fighting over shipping & oil rights. we understand that it may be caused by a very large person with a white beard peeing in the arctic ocean.

(santa claus, natch.)

how the fed killed the free market

in another one of those popular 'release it on friday because nobody pays attention to the news on friday' blurbs, the fed today explained its reasoning in the bailout of bear stearns and its subsequent 'emergency loans' to wall street companies.

here's our view: criminally negligent oversight led to the current financial fiasco, which is just the latest in a long line of federal f*ck-ups in the financial sector, going back to bank failures during the great depression and the savings & loan scandals of the 80's.

america is supposedly an open market. that means that companies operate on the principal that they assume the risks of doing business. this included the possibility of failure. it does not mean that we agree to bail them out every time they do something stupid, crooked, or both.

if we let a few of these losers crash & burn, the impact might be sufficient to get our attention off britney spears just long enough to force our federal regulators to actually do their jobs and regulate the industry that they currently only golf with.

google is god

well, maybe not, but they certainly are well on their way to becoming the repository of all human knowledge. in addition to indexing the entire web, usenet, and every book ever printed, they have now taken it upon themselves to do something that the government should have done a long time ago and completely failed: index patents.

that's right: now you cnn ignore all those ads from companies that offer to help you find out if your invention - or your wonderful addition to an existing invention -has already been invented in exchange for great big piles of your money.

(at last! now we can find out if our idea for a time machine based on photonic crystals and butterflies.)

you can see into the future

unfortunately, only 1/10 of a second into the future. but still, it's good.

(now we just need to find an article by stephen pinker that explains why the human brain's hard-wired pattern recognition circuitry causes folks to see images of the virgin mary on their pop tarts.)

how to know when you're being snowed

after the jump you'll find an excellent article on how to objectively assess when you're being snowed, whether by a politician, corporation, non-profit organization - or your pals here at elsewhen.

(we only wish this were a required class in high school and college. along with a class on how to handle money and create and stick to a budget. come to think of it, that one should be required on an annual basis for anyone in public office, don't you think?)

just one more way that elsewhen fights the monkey mind.

george carlin 1937-2008

one of the things that sucks about getting old is that your heroes start to die. kurt vonnegut, william burroughs, hunter thompson, and now: george carlin, who died yesterday, june 22nd, 2008.

in his later years, carlin moved away from the wordplay and keenly simple observational comedy that were his hallmark to talking about things that he felt were important: the abuse of the common man by corporations and goverment, the need to take a stand against it by pointing out its self-destructive absurdity, and our own deeply rooted monkey-mindedness.

carlin loved us, pitied us, and was frustrated by our stupidity and greed, all at the same time. he was one of the few people that said anything that mattered. his death is a wound in the world that no one else can fill. we will miss him every day that we're here and he's not. to quote a chrome bones song:

and there's no god
and life never stops
it just goes on without us
on without us

and there's no god
no angels or aliens
we just made'em up
just made it up

but i find i love you still

quit yer bitchin' #1

every now and then you need a reminder to quit yer bitchin' about your job and just get on with it
, because things can always be worse and, for these folks, they already are.

food for thought: they make less than 1/8th what you do, work 12 hour shifts without meal breaks, and they never complain. if you were your boss, who would you rather hire?

att: fanboys - liv tyler is again available

yeah - as if all you losers have a shot, when it's perfectly clear that we're her obvious next choice. all that stands between us is a written agreement from our wife that it's okay for us to have a harem, just like those polygamist fellas in texas.

anyway, word is that the current hulk girl and star of stealing beauty and empire records is splitting with hubby royston langdon.

aside from being an obvious a-list hottie, we can't help but notice that ms. tyler has some serious acting chops (hulk notwithstanding). in fact, we'd probably rank her as #2 on our 'impossible fantasy wives' list, immediately behind longtime #1 jennifer connelly. except ms. conelly is still married, isn't she? so - we have a sudden upset! liv tyler has now ascended to the hallowed #1 slot!

fanboys, you may now begin your pointless fantasies (in line behind us, of course).

does liking kathy griffin make us gay?

personally, we doubt it, other than our disturbing tendency to write in the first person plural (otherwise known as 'the royal we'). and woz likes her, too, so we're in good company.

honestly, it would be worth it to suddenly have the ability to dress ouselves in colors that didn't clash (well, the color blindness would probably still get in the way a bit) in order to continue to watch my life on the d list.

i mean, doesn't kgriff remind you of the pretty girl in your high school/college circle that had a mouth on her but that every guy in the group secretly wanted to f*ck, only they were too intimidated to ask her out, so she always had to be the one to make the first move? and so all the girls in the group kinda resented her because she got all the attention and they really had to work at getting dates, so they kinda thought of her as a slut, when she was really just kinda lonely and needed a safe place, and you were prefectly willing to pretend to be that if it meant that you got to see her fabulous boobs?

or was that just me?

better buy some galoshes

according to the u.s. climate change science program and the subcommittee on global change research, the effects of global warming will cause droughts, heavy downpours, excessive heat, and intense hurricanes in the months & years ahead.

sounds like a party! (we've already ordered our loincloths. yodeling classes start tuesday.)

surprise! white house invokes executive privilege re: epa ruling

in yet another friday afternoon slip-em-the-kielbasa-during-miller-time maneuver, the white house invoked executive privilege to keep congress from finding out that it told the head of the epa to deny california's emissions standards (even though everyone knows the white house did).

kinda makes you wonder why cheney didn't invoke executive privilege when he shot his hunting companion, or when the bush girls were caught drinking while underage, or when karl rove & scooter libby outed valerie plame, or... oh.

never mind.

white house wants to fabricate new guantanamo evidence

um, we mean, they want to rewrite the evidence before it comes under scrutiny by civilian judges.

wait a minute - isn't that the same thing?

basically, a lot of the 'evidence' consists of 'hearsay cobbled together from bounty hunters and border guards who accused people of being terrorists in exchange for reward money'.

telecom companies off the hook

any time washington doesn't want you to pay attention to something, they do it on a friday. case in point: congress just passed surveillance legislation that lets the telecom companies off the hook for illegally eavesdropping on our calls & emails in the past, present, & future at the bush administration's request.

this legislation prevents us from bringing suit or finding out how far the wiretapping went or will eventually go. the white house can now monitor our calls & email without court permission or any effective oversight. so try to give'em something entertaining to listen to, okay?

in an example of amazingly poor taste - or outright balls - at&t has this wonderful ad on their billing site:

spot.us

who can tell us, in 100 words or less, the problem with spot.us, which promotes 'community-funded reporting'? (aside from the fact that it's another 'we wouldn't get it if you hit us over the head with it' attempt by traditional media at saving its ass in an age when everyone is the news, that is.)

someecards

we don't see any revenue from these folks, directly or indirectly - i just think that their cards are hilarious: someecards. (nsfw)

side money for writers

if you have knowledge about specific topics and like to write, there are micro-publishers out there that are willing to pay you (very little) for your work. the clips that they're looking for are short, and you can likely crank out a few a day - nice supplemental income, if you have the time.

the ones that i've heard of so far are associated content, helium, and this is by us. have you heard of any others?

the (new) hulk movie

so what's the scoop on the new jolly green giant? passable, and definitely better than ang lee's misguided attempt. ed norton is surprisingly good in the role of banner. john hurt & tim roth deliver, despite thin writing devoted to their characters. liv tyler seems a bit distracted - not that she's given much to focus on - and she & norton have zero chemistry.

the hulk itself doesn't look particularly real, but he acts more like the hulk i wanted to see. i especially liked the scene where he roars back at the thunder and throws rocks at lightning during a storm. it just feels right.

i appreciated the references to bill bixby's series, the in-joke reference to that series' catch phrase, the cameo from lou ferrigno, jack mcgee, and even the lonely man theme.

much as i love stan lee, unless there's something real for him to do, i don't want to see him in any more cameos. it's distracting & breaks down the suspension of disbelief this kind of movie requires (which - let's face it - is kinda like lifting a battleship with your penis sans viagra). it feels awkward & tacked on, like robert downey's scene with john hurt at the end. reminds me of the early days of tv, when the star of a given kids' show would come out after the show was over and tell us how wonderful malto meal was. they're selling cereal. they know it, we know it, and it doesn't belong in a movie that we paid 8 bucks apiece to see.

it's also too bad norton & co. didn't take a cue from kenneth johnson and keep hulk mute. ang lee's 2 words of hulk dialog should have been a big clue. hulk is elemental; making him talk actually makes him less interesting. (like charlie chaplin, harpo marx, and the cast of any show on the disney channel.)

i also hated the final meeting with 'mr. blue' & the rushed, awkward hint that he may play the leader in a future installment. listen up, hollywood: tent-pole movies shouldn't bke about selling us the franchise like a window jockey upsells fries. you can still make a mint by delivering quality, and float franchises. witness peter jackson and learn, for pete's sake.

worth the money to see? yeah - but make it a matinee.

lewis black

took my daughter to a book signing by comedian lewis black yesterday. partly so that she could hear what he had to say about american politics, but mostly because she's just fun to take anywhere. especially when you know that you're going to stand in line for several hours. (we ballet danced to pass the time, even though we forgot our tutu's.)

several things struck me about the crowd, which numbered 200 or so: 1) they listened to mr. black as if he were the only person in the world that could tell them what's really going on, especially in washington, and 2) jewish portion attendees (about half the crowd) seemed to be under the impression that mr. black is purely a jewish phenomenon. they seemed surprised that goyim would come to hear him talk or understand his brand of humor. is this because of the dirth of jewish athletes? are comedians the judaic equivalent of lebron james and joe namath?

god, i'll never understand religion.

i learned a lot about mr. black's life and struggles with religion, politics, and airports. i also learned that he doesn't write his own material on the daily show, which is actually a relief, because his daily show material is crap, whereas his live performances, film roles, and recordings have been largely brilliant. until yesterday, i was under the impression that mr. black suffered some kind of mental hernia during daily show appearances. whichever producer came up with the brilliant idea of not letting one of the sharpest, funniest minds of our time write his own material, and have him spout shallow, unfunny drivel instead should apply to mcdonald's no later than the end of the week.

the book that mr. black signed is called me of little faith. i'm about halfway through it now and, while not as funny as most religious texts, it sure beats going to church (or temple, if you prefer). it also gives us another welcome peek into the mind of the only man who seems to be saying what we wish we could say, or wish our reps in washington would say on our behalf, or wish that god would write in words of fire ten miles tall.

in person, by the way, mr. black was kind, insightful, and extremely generous with his time & attention. he genuinely seemed to like hearing from the crowd, listening to everyone's thoughts and answering questions. he even complimented my daughter on her tie-dye outfit.